Splashdown and a Meltdown!

Teenaged boys have one thing in common with each other; they all, at some point, make their mothers wish hormones had never been invented (or that our partners had used a frickin' condom?).  Same thing for a hormone-crazed menopausal woman.  Put the two together and life as you've known it seems so far away and unreachable.  There IS a reason women are pushed to have children early in life.

Have you heard this saying?  When your kids are little, they are so cute that you just want to eat them up.  When your kids get to be teenagers, you wish you had.

My second son has always been a doll baby, just like my other two children.  Sweet and cuddly and always helpful.  Overnight, it seems, the demon from teenage hell took over his body and brain.

Maybe it was the stress of the lightning strike and having our plans dashed for our trip.  We had invested so much emotionally in doing this adventurous thing; saying goodbye to friends and family, finding someone to sit at the house with the animals and collecting incoming mail, giving up 15 months of social activities and work; it was a big deal.

Downsizing from a house to a boat and then to a camper (which I love, but only if I'm in it by myself, you know), has been tough.  Crammed into the space, it is hard to have privacy.  Maybe we were just too close (physically and emotionally).

The marina where our boat was on the hard during repairs was a groovy place to be holed up with a pool, snack shop, close-by bike trails, and restaurants, so many restaurants on both side of the highway.  My son, who is charming and very social, met a lot of people and became fast friends.  All of a sudden, his parents were boring.  We don't have cool condo boats and we don't necessarily like to play video games with him.  And I'm really alright with how social he is, but it really wore on our patience after a while that he was never around and that he'd be taking meals with other people and telling us about it afterwards.  And when he did open his mouth, watch out!

You know I have a sweet tea addiction; I've been very up front with it and know I have a problem.  I'm working with it with a 13-step program.  For some reason, that became his problem.  When I would buy sweet tea, he would have to drink most of it to keep me from drinking too much (his words).  Whenever we went out, he'd snarkily say, "I know what YOU'RE going to order to drink!"  I mean, really?  Is that necessary?

Because of his age and the hormonal takeup on the brain, he forgot to ask for things; instead stating what he was going to do.  We worked hard to nip that in the bud.  And of course, there was conflict about everything that I said or asked for or hinted at or . . . .

His father grew up in a sarcastic household; I'm not kidding, the whole family (and some relatives) subsisted and still subsist on sarcasm and teasing.  It's a very dysfunctional way to be, but it's been that way for generations. I know why it happens, but that's a whole other chapter of this blog. I've always believed that every joke is based in truth.  And I am as thin-skinned as they get.  

Elliott's been raised on it and thinks it is okay to treat some people that way, especially his mother.  Unfortunately, I've gotten that way myself (with these two guys) because I've been acting in self defense (and I don't like it, believe me).  I'm not that way with friends, so why can't I not be that way with these two jokers?

I think back to when his older half-siblings were that age and I would swear that they never spoke to me in the same way, the hurting way that drives a metaphorical knife into your heart.   Not that we didn't have crazy times; they just were not cruel.  Our years of being soft with this one have come back to haunt us.  

I remember thinking it was so cute that he could debate bedtimes and other choices when he was two; what was I thinking?

So yeah, it's been tough.  And I've more than once thought about jumping ship.  Like ten times.  My anxiety is through the roof; I have a deep-rooted fear that was not there before and I feel that anxious groin pain all the time. Thinking about redoing EVERYTHING! Reacclimating to the weather, having to restock groceries, rethinking wardrobe because of weather differences, changing trip logistics, too many decisions to make and things to act upon.  I am paralyzed with the enormity of what lays ahead.  I finally told the Captain that I can't do this anymore. 

My new profile picture

There are other extenuating circumstances, too, important family circumstances, and I'm really at the point where I'm wondering if we're making the right decision to just up and leave.  On my side of the family, I was always called "selfish."  So there's that painful childhood memory/training to deal with; argh.  Are all the boat issues really make the Universe telling us to slow down and take it easy and wait?  But then what ?  I really, really don't know at this point. 

Single-handing the camper on a photographic tour of the U.S. is looking more attractive every day; hmmmmmm.  Or is that being selfish, too.  Oh my.